To understand why purchasing tiny purple booty shorts has reduced me to tears you will need some of my backstories. This is one of those times that I wish I could sit down and make a Youtube video with my voice because it's something that I want to share. I'll work on that but for now, I'll just write this blog post.
As a child growing up with undiagnosed autism it really took a toll on how I viewed my psychical appearance. I was vaguely aware that I was pretty and I was vaguely aware that this was some sort of currency in the world. I didn't know what to do with it and became very withdrawn. It became worse after I was taken advantage of by adult men. So, I placed the blame on my beauty and covered up everything that I thought was attracting me trouble.
My then-stepdad (he's outta the picture now) remarked once that I dressed like a "crazy bag lady" at the pool. Which was true because at the time I only felt safe in three shirts over my bathing suit and a floor length skirt. Yes, I actually swam that way and I was only around 10 or 11 years old at the time.
Eventually, I accepted all the layers of clothing as my uniform and it worked with my autism because I liked the sensation of fabrics. I grew up literally being a "never nude" I slept in my jeans and boots. I wore all my layers into the bathroom and locked the door and only undressed once I was inside the shower. These behaviors followed me well into adulthood.
Scratch that. They are still here. I still deal with this. I was 28 years old sitting in the emergency room after a car crash. They asked me to put on a gown and I refused. The nurses were flabbergasted and tried to insist that I must wear the hospital gown and I refused. My sister in law was there and the doors were glass and see through everyone could see me. I started to cry because I knew I'd rather run away from getting medical treatment than let anyone see my body at that moment. At that moment I felt like a child again helpless and being forced into something I didn't want to share.
These feelings run deep and I doubt it's something that's ever going to cure but I've been slowly working on accepting this part of me. I don't want to pass my paranoia and body issues down to my children or imprint it upon my younger family members. I want them to see a confident strong woman and follow the lead.
When I started doing training for the warrior dash I watched a tip video that suggested that the people who wore the least amount of clothes to the run were actually the ones who were more comfortable in the end. Mud clings to shirts and weighs heavy fabrics down. The lady suggested some tight short shorts and a sports bra.
That actually scared me more than the idea of jumping over a fire or crawling in long dark tunnels of mud.
A simple pair of short shorts and a bra. I'd have nowhere to hide. Everyone would see everything and yet when I looked at promo photos I could see that many women wore this exact outfit. It had more coverage than the average bikini even.
So, I was on the fence about buying the clothes for it. I couldn't find a place that had what I wanted in my size.
GRRRL.com did though and when I showed my hubby the shorts I wanted to wear he blanched.
I was shocked because I suddenly realized his silence meant hid didn't think I should wear the shorts. When I asked him why he said: " I think you are beautiful but the world is very cruel."
It was those words that sealed the fate of the purple short order. I realized my husband had body issues as well and his comment steamed from fear of other people attacking me and being hurtful because of my outfit choice. An outfit choice that many women will be wearing during that race.
I knew right then that I needed to show him that he was wrong. People are good and they will support me. If someone drops the ball and they are cruel then I need to show my husband that it does not matter. It's nobody's business but our own when it comes to clothing choice. I knew I had to order the shorts now because in the future if we have children I don't want then getting body confident issues from me. I want them to look back on the photos from that race day and say "Mom's a badass!" or my "Aunts a badass" or even if it's someone else's kids... "that fat lady wearing those tiny shorts is a badass!" :D I hope that it inspires them to look less about what their body can't do and more on what their body can do!
The fact that my body is healthy and strong enough for me to even consider running a race like that is a blessing.
(So, it turns out the shorts are not as supportive as I wanted so I probably won't wear them for the race but I have been wearing them more and more for exercise and relaxing. It's been helping the body confidence I think.)
